'My sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct"': Woman refuses to host holiday meal for family members after sister forces new rules upon them

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Dec 5, 2024 11:00 AM EST

Would you attend a family gathering if you had to sign a contract in order to get in? It's an interesting question, as u/ziolczykdaniel posed to the internet in the aftermath of a family Thanksgiving debacle. 

If you agree to host a Thanksgiving meal, you get to set the rules, right? You tell your guests when dinner will be. You can ask a few people to bring side dishes or extra chairs. You may even pull a relative to the side and request that they not start any drama with Grandpa this year, because let's face it, there's always that one family member who has to start something. But at the end of the day, it's your house, so it's your rules. 

This person was surprised that her sister had a list of rules that she wanted to enforce on the family. It's not a terrible idea, and her heart's in the right place, but the sister is going about it all wrong. As commenters noted, if she wanted to put all these random rules in place, the sister should really host her own meal instead. 

Next, read about some more family drama: this 19-year-old got left out of vacation plans by their whole family, but they're blaming their workplace for the mishap. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10436879360
    via Karolina Grabowska For Unsplash+

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a "Family Code of Conduct" contract?
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 03
    This happened recently, and I'm still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It's always a little messy and chaotic, but that's part of the charm, right?
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 04
    This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to "help bring some order" to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a "Family Code of Conduct."
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 05
    She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 06
    • A rule against "overlapping conversations" at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like "a respectful debate club."
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 07
    . • A "ban on political or controversial topics," with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 08
    • A dress code of "smart casual" because "holiday photos should reflect well on the family."
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 09
    . Assigned seating that she claimed was based on "optimal personality compatibility."
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 10
    She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, "You can't be serious," she accused me of "not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously." I told her I wasn't going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 11
    She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should've just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless "no one tries to draft a holiday constitution."
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 12
    I'm torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 13
    Excellent-High... Just host your brother lol. Tell everyone else that if they're happy about a code of conduct they're free to attend your sister's house. However you will not be hosting.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 14
    Born-Horror-5... I'm with your brother. This would make me skip Thanksgiving all together. NTA. If she wants to be the Thanksgiving police she's welcome to attempt this at her own house.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 15
    Sensitive_Note... Simple fix- Tell her she's welcome to not come to your house for Thanksgiving. Host the family members who are willing to come. Never do something to "keep the peace". That just leads to more problems down the road. When your parents get
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 16
    upset and say anything again, let them know they are welcome to go to your sister's and live by her rules for the holiday. Thanksgiving is stressful enough without BS rules.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 17
    My MIL has only a couple rules: 1- Food will be on the table as soon as it's done in the afternoon. If you can't make it on time there will be leftovers.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 18
    2- No one may talk about religion or politics. 3- Little kids may have chicken nuggets if they want them. These rules prevent drama.
    via u/ziolczykdaniel
  • 19
    Cali_Holly NTA I will not be humoring someone who tries to create rules of conduct in my own home. And I stand by what I stated. IF sister wants to create this rules of conduct? Then yes. She can host. And I don't know why you all are mad at me? Sister was the one trying to tell you all how you should act.
    via u/Cali_Holly
  • 20
    Kmia55 Your mother wanting you to "humor her for the day," is nothing more than your mother wanting her peace, not anyone else's. It is the equivalent of saying, "Well, that's just her personality," which is BS. Your sister is being ride and your mother knows that, but doesn't want to confront your sister herself.
    via u/Kmia55
  • 21
    Actually, your post made me laugh. I'm thinking along the lines of you handled it like a boss. Still laughing. You did good.
    via u/Kmia55
  • 22
    ifdefmoose NTA. Your sister sounds like a real control freak. But perhaps you can find a way to cancel her attempt to control the entire family without canceling your family's Thanksgiving. Good luck.
    via u/ifdefmoose
  • 23
    Hannah-King You're not wrong for standing your ground. Thanksgiving should be fun, not a corporate meeting with rules! It's your house, your choice.
    via u/Hannah-King
  • 24
    TeacherWithOp... My brother and I would make it a point to see how fast we could break all the rules and what the 'consequences' would be. It would be a game.
    via u/TeacherWithOpinions
  • 25
    OkeyDokey654 NTA. The ban on political or controversial topics can be a good idea if your family tends to argue about these things. But her being the judge? Nope. And the rest is absolute hogwash.
    via u/OkeyDokey654

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rules family drama aita thanksgiving mother grandma contract aunt uncle Grandpa family grandparents daughter holidays son happy thanksgiving Father
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